I don't know what comes first into your mind when you hear the term or words "human's block". I'm not sure if human's block is actually a term or if people have used this before but I came up with this term inspired by the things that had happened recently. I'm pretty sure you've come across the term "artist's block". If not, let me define that for you. It's quite self explanatory but just to put it out there, it is a certain period in an artist's life when they stop being an artist or stopped being inspired to keep doing what they do as an artist. They can't write, paint, draw, compose or do anything creative. Now, to parallel that with the term "human's block", I will define it as a point where you don't want to be a human being or do anything that validates you as a human. I know this may make me sound so so weird but I don't care. I am a weirdo anyway, haha! This blog might be a little longer compared to my previous writings so bear with me.
Before the year 2015 arrived, just few days before new year's eve, I remember knowing genuinely that I want a quiet year or maybe start the year quietly. It just so happened that a lot of things happened around that time. It was a little bit difficult to be honest because of the fact that I am a quiet person and to make a statement about silence was just hard. A lot of people welcomed the year with excitement but it was different for me. I wanted to step back, see, feel, breathe.... the reason behind this is because I was simply tired and to say this is painful for me.
I got tired of many things, things that I'm used to doing. I guess I just got fed up. Probably for most of you this kind of event is not something new but for me it was. I hated what I felt and I hated myself. You see, I can say that I was raised up pretty well. Knowing what's wrong from right and to do what is right, to give, to be kind, patient, to love. To do all these felt like a reflex action because it felt so natural to me. But at certain point, all of these things felt like a weakness. When did kindness become a weakness? These were my blessings but now they felt like curses. I didn't want to care anymore, to listen, to give or even love. All of them are not worth it. They made me feel inferior. Doing the right thing was so wrong. Then I started to ask questions, doubt a lot. I didn't want to be a human anymore if that means being taken for granted, to suffer and to lose. And yes, I was having a human's block. So I paused. I can't say that I stopped cause I'm pretty sure I'm going back to doing those things. And in that quiet period I wrestled a lot with questions, questions that I didn't even think I will ask in my life and IT. WAS. TIRING.
To feel tired of giving, loving, caring or even listening was ugly but I'm thankful I did. For these things to be an automatic thing for you is dangerous. Reality woke me up. Not everyone will or can reciprocate what you can give. So DO because you WANT to not because you have to. They have to be done purposely, knowing the reason why you're doing them. Not knowing why you do them makes you nothing better that anyone who doesn't do them. Knowing why you do what you do is LIVING. Realism is frightening but you can't keep on running away. It's either comfort or courage. When you feel confused, scared, worthless and doubtful, that's the perfect time to be brave. Life begins at the intersection.
Pain is real and so is hope. Don't give up just yet.
Yes.. I am a human being and I do it purposely. :)
- Love, April.
